There comes a time in every triallist’s journey when the alarm sounds at 5am and you think to yourself, ‘Why am I doing this to myself?’ or even ‘Should I even be here, doing this to myself?’

For some this is a regular experience – one that either lingers or is banished by the morning air or a good outing. For others, it’s rarer. It may hit after when you’ve had a later night in the library, or when you’re left with a painful taste in your mouth following a difficult discussion after a seat race.

Trialling inevitably demands sacrifice. But how we respond to these demands is integral to our experience of the trialling process as, I think, it can push us to compete with our teammates in a manner that is either productive or unproductive.

‘Why am I doing this to myself?’

There are many answers to this question but a frequent one, put simply, is ‘to be the best’.

It is important to acknowledge that we crave the lofty and frequently inconceivable achievement of significance in exchange for our sacrifices. We wish to achieve significance for what we give. We want what we give to mean something, to make us mean something. Especially when what we give, at times, feels like everything you possibly can.

But to be the best, who must you be better than?

‘Should I even be here, doing this to myself?’

The second question asks us if we deserve to be here. Imposter syndrome runs deep, especially at Oxbridge, especially in high achievers, and especially in women. In fact, we are here and we should be here, simply because we are putting ourselves through all of this, for one of the finite number of seats available in Boat Race crews each year.

But regardless of our status or experience as rowers, we orient ourselves and our sense of belonging by comparing ourselves to those around us. This brings me to a very specific phenomenon. During the trials process we are surrounded by a group of people to whom we are deeply similar in terms of age, gender, passions, academic ability, and countless other similarities. We look at this and try to work out where we ‘fit’ in the pecking order. Then, we drive ourselves to push ourselves to ensure we are better, to change where we will fit in the future. To be better than Oxford, we each need to be better than all but seven other members of our Cambridge squad.

Thriving on the process of internal competition

Along with significance, we also crave certainty in this evolving process. That’s why tracking our own progress and monitoring it against the progress of those who we must be better than brings comfort.

Internal competition is a natural eventuality. But, it is not necessarily a bad one. As long as it is done right.

Internal competition is a driving force. The ‘spare’ athletes must push on Blondie, who in turn must push on the Blue Boat. We must create pressure, and demand and set standards for one another. This is not compensation for a lack of motivation, rather, it directs our motivation.

This takes many forms; upping your weights for core, taking an extra minute to dissect a technical point from an outing with the cox, or getting an earlier night. As we push on, we take others with us, and they take us with them. The process is demanding and thorough, but there is always something more that can be done. It’s a tiring but enthralling concept. We must find these pockets of small gains, we must drive each other to find them, and join one another in them.

Keeping internal competition healthy

Everyone involved needs to make an active effort to avoid internal competition falling into toxic or unhealthy culture. In my experience, there are key points you must address. These are vulnerability, commitment to wider goals, and a stronger internal motivation than any competition would ever provide.

When vulnerability is lost, you limit how much you can embed yourself in a team. Even if others may not notice, it takes a toll on you. You can never take for granted that you are surrounded by your friends, people you care about and people that care about you. No matter how fierce competition may get, these are people you will always be rewarded for being open with.

Being vulnerable can be difficult, but if you are trialling, you are already very good at doing difficult things.

Commitment to a wider goal must also drive you more than any internal competition. We get better to make each other better. The goal of the season is to win The Boat Race. You need your boat to be as fast as possible for this to be as likely as possible. You can aim to make yourself so fast that the boat is faster with you in it but here we reach the limits of what we control. It is secondary that you would like the boat to go faster with you in it, as you can only control so much.

Arguably the most important element of healthy internal competition is that your internal drive to be better overrides any external competition, whether dressed in dark or light blue. You must always be able to continue without relying on uncontrollable external forces for motivation.

So, when we say we are doing this to be the best, what we really mean is we are doing this to do the best that we can. To do everything in our control to ensure the boat could be faster with us in it, and do everything we can to just be as fast as we can be outside of any orientation based on relativity to others’ achievements.

Support is invaluable but doesn’t stop the questions

It is important to note the weight of sacrifice is also lessened by the privileges that we have. We have technology and equipment available to us and support and expertise that ease the pressure. We have incredibly generous supporters and deeply invested coaches and support staff.

Still, this weight persists and no matter how hard we try, we could all wake up tomorrow and ask ourselves those two questions. We just have to make sure we answer them in a way that drives us forward, and doesn’t hold us back.

Words: Fizz McNally.